Homesick

According to Wikipedia homesickness has risk factors:

• Attitude Factors: The belief that homesickness will be strong; negative first impressions and low expectations for the new environment; perceived absence of social support; high perceived demands (e.g., on academic or vocational functioning); great perceived distance from home

There is a world map painted on the wall at school.  There's Ecuador.  There's home.    It isn't a great perceived distance-it IS a great distance and it is this distance that has made the last few mornings very difficult.  I can't determine why it's difficult, because of course, I could get on a plane right now and be home by this time tomorrow-but somehow that it has been defined as a risk factor for homesickness makes me feel a little better.

• Environmental Factors: High cultural contrast (e.g., different language, customs, food); threats to physical and emotional safety; dramatic alternations in daily schedule; lack of information about the new place; perceived discrimination

Well now, there it is:  Different Language, Different Customs, Different Food.

Last week each of the kids chose a parakeet to love and care for.  I watch the way Jack pursues his parakeet.  Even though I've talked him through how to tame his bird so that he can hold it on his finger and enjoy him up close, he pursues that poor bird around the cage moving his hand closer and closer while the bird moves further and further away from him.  He even let the bird out of the cage at one point and the poor thing flew around until it bumped into a door jamb and fell to the floor.  Olivia, on the other hand, will sit with her hand in the cage and leave it steady so that her bird will become used to her presence.  She is patient and trusts the process of taming her bird. 

I recognize myself in Jack and I recognize Clayton in Olivia.  In the case of Ecuador I am Jack and Ecuador is that poor parakeet that bonked his head on the door frame.  Like Jack, I have been told about the process-but have taken the view that the more assertive I am with this process, the sooner I'll be able to hold it in my hand.  These past few mornings, I have simply wanted to stay in bed and binge watch Netflix.  I wouldn't mind a bag of Doritos-Nacho please.  And those pumpkin spice lattes you keep posting on Facebook make me want to cry. 

I miss soft green grass, changing leaves, soft sheets.  I miss Clayton and I miss Clayton with Olivia and Jack.  I miss familiar-and have been forcing myself on this new place in an effort to make it familiar.  I need to take a lesson from my daughter-who is more Clayton than Alyssum.   Their gift is to trust the process and be patient with themselves and with their circumstances.  Day by day, the parakeet will become familiar, not all at once...and certainly not anybody else's terms.

We rode a bus home today.  It was absolutely packed with people and getting onto the bus involved us running and actually being thrown onto the bus by the man who collects money at every stop.  It was the rear entrance and the door wouldn't shut past my body because the bus was so full of people.  An abuelita held her arms out to Jack and brought him gently onto her lap.  She held him tightly with both arms as the bus made its way along its route. I may be a "great perceived distance" from home and there ARE huge differences in language and culture and food between what we've known and what we are experiencing now-but Jack held safely on that senora's lap on a dirty crowded bus was lovely-and it felt a little like Ecuador was holding us in her hands.